HeAintThroughWithMeYet

I know in the recent month’s I haven’t been active on here, but nevertheless I am still here.

My life is turning all the time, and right now I am in a season of asking the Lord for peace.

I was diagnosed with a bad liver and yet still waiting to see the specialist which will be Sep. 9th. Because of this I am lots of times unable to go to work or even if I go I have to come back home. My bloodpressure is bad as well.
So it started all in May. I had severe stomach pain. And my BP was 180/120. SO we tried different drugs for the pain until we found out through a ultrasound that it is my liver.

We finally got the BP under control with little flare-ups.
But the liver gives me weird symptoms.
For example I cook my husbands dinner for the whole week. THe next day I go to work and want to take some food with me, and I cant even look at the food or smell it.

Lots of times I dont take no food with me. Or I have to purchase something on the go. If I eat only of what Id esire my body works with it most of times, but if I just take what I have at home for example, than my body wont let me eat it, or worse i will spend the rest of the day in the bathroom.
It also comes with pain that starts in the pit of my stomach and moves down to the right side where the liver is.

Also AGAIN my son was arrested for almost the identical crime he done a couple years ago. So he is in jail and he calls and cries. But I am tough on that. he has to go through this, I can’t and wont help him. Of course I will be there when he needs me to talk or to write or to visit, but that’s it.
I told him, I know you clinging on to me now, but when the time comes and your out for a while you will dump me as many times before, but I am used to it, and I will love you no matter what. Do I like you I asked? Not at all times I don’t!
But I will be here for you, that’s what Mother’s do!

Anyways, because of the illness I am losing lots of work, but the bills keep going, and we desperately need the money but I just cant go or stay at work LOTS of times. This last paycheck I had 40 hrs for two weeks and the same will be next paycheck. I am not writing here to get donations, NO, I am writing because when I write it, lots of times makes me feel better.

Than this happened……

so Michael Jackson died, and I cried, Ted Kennedy died and I cried, a song plays on the radio and I cry, in a movie a girl is taken and I cry. I cry if you say “hello” to me. And it is driving me nuts and I think my husband too. I am not like that (except you want me to quit smoking)(just a joke, am I entitle to a joke??? My goodness)

So today I went to my doctor and YES, she sat down with me over an hour and we talked about everything and guess what??? I cried!!
We talked about the Lord and how He will heal me, and will heal me from the depression and anxiety I am going through now. He will touch me. She told me she will pray for me daily, that she loves me, that He loves me, and that I should pray for peace. Cause all the worrying about missing work in turn missing money comes all from me been anxious about whats going on with my liver and the pain. And that in turn throws me into depression. So she gave me a WHOLE lot of antidepressants for free, and prescribed anxiety meds. So now I am on 6 meds on a daily basis. And who knows when I finally see the Specialist there might be more meds in my future.

But she is also right about another thing…

I thought I had lots of friends and sadly found out that isn’t so true. Cause I never hear from anyone again. The only friend that continous to call me and email me is my german friend who lives a couple hours away. And of course my cousin who also lives a couple hours away from me. But the people I knew who live right here, I dont hear from them nomore. I tried make contact but was politely told that he/she didnt has no time, and never heard from again.
So in times like these you do see who your real friends are.
Yes some might be upset cause I don’t go to church but they do need to understand that I am working in times where they have worship, that I am working in times where they have small group meetings. And that I am not a stay at home wife. And than that there are times where I might be off ONCE in a while and I do want to spend it with my husband. And perhaps want to sleep, because I am not feeling well.

But than again, God see’s and knows everything and He see’s me too.

I am just glad I found a doctor who is a godfearing lady and a supervisor who is a godfearing guy and pastor. Sadly he left where I work to be a fulltime minister at Radford College here in VA. But he gave me his email and phone# so I can call on him anytime.

So, now some people might read that and feeel attacked, but believe me this is not my intention in any way, but if you do feel that way, I wonder WHY you feel this way?
I did not write this to make people angry at me, or sorry for me or anything, I did this to vent. Since I dont have people to talk to about how I feel, I let it out here! And I think no one can tell me how I have to feel about things.
I am human, I feel, I am hurt, I am in pain, and I guess I am depressed due to many things!!

Praying for my sanity and peace from the Lord